The House of Thunder

The Long and Winding Road

2009-04-15T19:55:00.003-05:00

We are currently on an adoption journey like several other families around us. I am so grateful that we are in a community where we get to experience these things together and lean on each other for wisdom, advice and support. But it can also be a source of a lot of frustration too. There is a temptation to compare our journey with everyone else’s and think that someone else’s journey is the standard for us.

One of the things that God has been trying to tell me from the beginning (that I am just now starting to listen to and be ok with) is that our journey is ours and not anyone else’s. Some people are flying down the interstate, some are on a bumpy country road and others have parked the car for a little while. Our journey is a leisurely stroll on an old highway that winds around the contours of the river. We are seeing beautiful scenery along the way and taking our time to get to our destination. And that’s ok….because this is the road we are supposed to take.

I’ve known from the beginning that our journey was going to be a slow one. I’ve known that there are things God has for us that he wants to work out before we bring our children home. I have known that our journey affects not only us, but many others around us who may not even know it. I knew that I had a long history of fear and insecurity surrounding adoption and that God was just starting to move me out of that place and into a place of love and trust in him. But at our very first meeting with our social worker, she said the whole process from start of the home study to bringing the kids home could possibly take just a matter of months. That started the fear train again. And then every time someone asked me how the process was going and started talking about their, or someone else’s, adoption process, I felt all sorts of insecurity rise up in me again. I felt like something was wrong with us because we were going so much slower than everyone else seemed to be. I was worried that people were thinking that we weren’t really into this whole adoption thing or that we weren’t serious about it. None of this was true. But our journey starts in a different place than a lot of other people’s journey does.

We are in our mid to late thirties, have been talking about international adoption for 8 years, have no biological children and have dealt with infertility. Before we got married we talked about international adoption and planned to do that at some time in our lives. But we thought we would have a few biological kids first. Our decision to pursues adoption at this time is not just because we have been unsuccessful with having biological children, but the fact that not being able to have biological children has changed the course we had originally planned on. I think God may have been calling us to adopt for quite some time before we actually took the steps to pursue it. But there was pain and disappointment to walk through to get to this point. And we both had some growing up to do.

So, there are lots of factors that have created fear and caution to even share our story. The long and winding road isn’t the journey I’ve wanted to take. I’ve wanted to get on the highway and fly down the road. But I’ve also been paralyzed with fear and kept the car in the garage for quite a while. It’s very stressful when you’re not on “the path of obedience.”

Our adoption is a bit of a more personal and private journey at this point. I compare it to a couple who has had several miscarriages (which we have) and then finds out they’re pregnant again. There is cautious excitement tinged with fear that this one won’t work out too. I am waiting to get past that first trimester when we are out of the “danger zone” before I really start talking about it with people.

Another factor that has kept me from getting too excited or talking much about our adoption is that we don’t have any idea who our children are. We feel we are called to adopt a boy and girl who are siblings, and we have general age ranges that we are planning on, but we don’t know who they are, how old they will be, which will be older, or anything about their story. We could be starting with kids ages 2 and 5, 8 months and 2, 1 and 4 or many other age combinations. That makes it hard to plan or dream much at this point.

I was just thinking the other day about how so many people create blogs or make scrapbooks to chronicle their adoption journey. About a year and half ago Ed started a regular old basic blog for us where we could write about whatever we felt the need to write about. As you can see, the blog is plain with only 2 pictures, some pretty boring entries and we often go months in between posts. I LOVE reading other people’s blogs, but really have very little desire to do anything with my own. I guess because I don’t have the time or patience to do it. But of course, the old family curse flares up and I feel guilty about not doing an adoption blog or scrapbook and think there is something wrong with me. There I go again; trying to make my journey look like someone else’s thinking I should be something that I am not. Because the reality is that I am not a blogger or a scrap booker. I wish I was because I love seeing other people’s creativity and self-expression through those mediums, but that is not the way God has wired me to show my creativity or express myself.

But God has given me things he wants me to share. And posting it on our blog seems like the best way to do it at this time. It also forces me to collect my thoughts and listen more closely to what God is speaking to me about this area of my life.

I know that almost no one reads this blog unless I send them an invitation to read something specific I posted. And that’s ok. If you are reading this it’s either because I invited you to read it, or God lead you to read it for some reason. Either way, I’m glad you did and I am glad I got to share this part of myself with you.

For all my friends who aren't on Facebook

2009-02-01T15:50:00.002-06:00

There is a fad on Facebook these days called "25 Random Things" in which people will write 25 random tidbits of information about themselves. The lists are often funny, insightful and sometimes just plain weird. But I love it. I am going through the profiles of each of my friends one by one and reading them. I wish EVERYONE would partake in this craze.

Anyway, for those of you who aren't on Facebook, here are our lists. Enjoy them. Then write your own list. Post them on your blog or just send an e-mail or something.

1. I don't get the big deal about texting.
2. I think my mom and dad are two of the funniest and wittiest people I have ever known.
3. I am generally not interested in recording artists who don't write most of their own music.
4. I am trying to eliminate the word "should" from my vocabulary.
5. I wish I had had a chance to meet my grandma Lolkus.
6. I memorized every word to the movie Young Guns when I was in 7th and 8th grade.
7. I have ZERO self-control when it comes to good chips and salsa.
8. I am fascinated with just about anything relating to American History from the 1930's and 1940's.
9. I wish I had learned to love coffee when I was in college.
10. I had a crush on Kenny Rogers when I was 4 years old.
11. Maintaining my goal weight is WAY harder than losing the weight was.
12. I really don't care for the color turquoise.
13. I make the best chocolate chip cookies ever.
14. College was a pretty amazing experience in almost every way (good and bad) but the highlight of my college career was our yearly spring choir tour.
15. I love the truth.
16. I started watching professional wrestling when I was in 4th grade.
17. My husband might never have seen Titanic 12 times if I hadn't talked him into going to see it on New Year's day in 1998.
18. I knew all the songs from Meatloaf's "Bat Out of Hell" when I was about 7 years old.
19. I think of my sister every time I hear an 80's hair band singing a monster ballad.
20. I think Miley Cyrus is one of the most annoying celebrities of all time.
21. I am amazed that after 7 years of marriage I absolutely love being with my husband every day and never get tired of him.
22. Almost all the clothes in my closet were bought at a thrift sale.
23. I love a good smart ass.
24. I worked in a children's clothing store for 2 years in high school and hated every minute of it.
25. Nothing cements a lifelong relationship like traveling 30 hours in a blizzard half way across the country with 2 guys named Josh.

1. I met "The Russian Bear" Ivan Koloff at a Big Boy breakfast buffet in Washington DC in 1988.
2. The first football game I ever watched (Super Bowl 13- Steelers vs. Cowboys) was on NFL Network earlier tonight.
3. I own a Ryan Leaf jersey.
4. Britney Spears, Hanson and Barry Manilow all have songs on my iPod.
5. I shot 60% from the three point line in college.
6. I shot 0% from the free throw line in college.
7. My favorite place in the world is Williamsburg, VA.
8. I wrote in Tony Campolo for president for the 1996 election.
9. I once got stuck under bus seats.
10. I am mildly obsessed with football uniforms.
11. I have the cutest dog of all time.
12. My wife and I are working on adopting two kids from Ethiopia.
13. I love street vendor tacos in Mexico.
14. I used to rap and break dance (a little) when I was a teenager.
15. Stryper was the first "hard" rock band I listened to.
16. I love spicy food.
17. I think Bruce Springsteen may be the most overrated singer of all time.
18. I cried more when my father-in-law died than any other time in my life.
19. I am just now learning to sit still...
20. I have the awesomest wife in all the universe.
21. Alonzo Mourning once slapped me on the arse.
22. I like saying "Ashleybauer Ashleybauer..."
23. I have proudly carried the monikers "Hacksaw Hudgins", "Ed Thunder" and "El Diablo".
24. I have wrestled in Poplar Branch NC, Moyock NC, Chesapeake VA, Rochester MN and Monterrey, Mexico.
25. I saw Titanic 12 times in the theater (10 times in Rochester MN, once in Chesapeake VA and once in Bangalore, India).

Top 3

2008-12-06T20:16:00.006-06:00

Ed and I love music. Our huge CD collection attests to that. (Yes, we still live in the 90's and haven't made the switch from buying actual CDs to just downloading all our music.) And between us, we like almost any genre of music out there. However, even though we have so many CDs we do have some that stick out as all time favorites. Sometimes we try to make a list of our Top 10 favorites. (His list varies significantly from mine.) No one really cares about this list, but we find it interesting. And I am always interested to hear what albums make someone else's favorite list.

So anyway, when we were traveling to Indiana for Thanksgiving we were listening to one of my favorite albums and I got to thinking about that elusive Top 10 list of mine. Whenever I try to come up with a Top 10 list I always struggle after the first few. It's hard to decide which ones belong on the list, and then to put them in numerical order. But as I was thinking about this, I found I had no problem coming up with my Top 3. And then I got to wondering what albums my friends and family would list as their Top 3 of all time. I find these kinds of things fascinating because it helps me know someone a little better.

Here is my Top 3 list as of Dec. 6, 2008:

1. Mockingbird - Derek Webb
2. Sgt. Pepper's - The Beatles
3. Fumbling Towards Ecstasy - Sarah McLachlan

These are albums I never get tired of, can listen to any time, have to listen to from beginning to end and usually have to stop whatever I am doing just to sit and listen and appreciate everything about these albums from the lyrics to the musical creativity. These albums speak to me in one way or another, and often in multiple ways and in different ways each time I listen to them.

And now I want to know your top 3 favorite albums of all time. So send me an e-mail, write on my Facebook wall or just post your list on the comments page here. I don't care, I am just interested to hear what you have to say!

Dad

2008-11-15T21:21:00.009-06:00

Ever since my dad passed away unexpectdly back in May, I have been meaning to post something about him on our blog. But life continued to be so crazy that I just hadn't made time to sit down and do it.

In the last few months as we started to settle back into life, the reality that dad is gone started to hit me. And I have had a lot of sad days where I really miss him. A few weeks ago I went to the library for the first time in many months because I wanted a good novel to read. As I wandered around the library I so wished I could have just called him and asked what he's read recently or what he would suggest. During the elections, I wish I could have called him and picked his brain to see what he really thought of the candidates. (While he was a devoted Democrat, he still had a lot of interesting insight and info on all the candidates. And I am certain he read more about all of them on each side of the aisle than the average person).

Often times I have started to compose some interesting stories about his life with the intent to post them. But my dad was such an interesting and complex person, I don't know that I can do him justice with just one entry. So for now, I am just going to start with his obituary. It's a pretty good synopsis of who he was, and yet it just barely scratches the surface.

Keeping Up....

2008-11-07T23:37:00.003-06:00

Well, keeping up with our blog....not so good. But we just got a new laptop so maybe we won't have so many excuses for not keeping up with it. Many of our friends have blogs so the pressure is on :-) I am so technologically behind that taking the time to learn how to make my blog pretty or interesting or add pictures seems overwhelming. So then, I just don't do anything.

Anyway, we continue to stay busy all the time. One the newest things since the last post is the addition of our dog! We inherited my Aunt Elaine's dog after my aunt passed away in early August. Our dog's name is Paige. She is a 9 1/2 year old Bichon and we love her so much! She is so cute and so sweet and lots of fun (most of the time). She is well behaved and loves to snuggle and cuddle. And one of these days I will get her picture on here.

Also, we are starting the adoption process. We are planning to adopt from Ethiopia. We have our first meeting with the place that will be doing our home study on Thursday. We are so ready to get this underway! We are hoping to adopt a sibling group and hope to adopt from Kingdom Vision International. This is the orphanage started by our friends Matt and Nikki Ness just this last January. There is so much that goes into the adoption process that it is easy for me to get overwhelmed.

But I better stop now or I won't have anything to put in my Christmas letter! So, for the 2 or 3 of you who actually look at this blog, thanks! And I will try to do better going forward.

The Next Stronghold to Demolish

2008-07-11T10:20:00.003-05:00

So, sometimes it is hellish to be married to a "Truth Teller". There is no B.S.ing Charlotte. God has given her the ability to see through the B.S. I spout at times and get to the heart of the matter. It happened again last night... at 11:00pm (we've really got to get these conversations going earlier in the evening).

God has done so much in both of us. For me, he has killed a lot of pride and he has set me free from the chains of porn addiction. But, I have an addiction that goes back further than either of these issues. From the earliest time that I can remember, food has been my refuge. At church, we talk much about "self-filling". What we mean by that is that we go through times when we are hungry for something, something relational and spiritual. We may feel depressed during those times or those may be times when we are tempted to engage in destructive behavior. This hunger can manifest itself in various ways. Its at those times that God wants us to sit at his table so he can feed us. He wants us to turn to him to be filled. For me, I have a habit of ignoring his call to come and be filled and I fill myself (like many of us do). In the past, I have filled myself with porn, entertainment (which I still do at times) and food.

Last night, Charlotte called that out in me. And, as we were talking, I realized that I have been self-filling with food much longer than I was engaged in porn. Being set free from porn addiction was a huge deal, but I realize now that my habit of self-filling with food is more deeply rooted than that (which is why I have resisted getting well in this area). Seeing that reality has given me a much clearer sense of why I eat when I'm not hungry, why I crave food that is terrible for me, etc. Its not that I shouldn't ever eat a donut or cheese curds. Its just that my life has been oriented around such things at times, which is really sick.

So, this is the new fork in my road. Its time for me to get healthy in how I eat. This has been a struggle for as long as I can remember, but I believe that God will change the way I think and my desires and that he will set me free (please feel free to pray for me).

Wow, Part 2

2008-06-03T17:34:00.002-05:00

Hello all! We apologize for the gap between posts. Much has happened over the last couple of months. The most significant event was the loss of Charlotte's dad three weeks ago. He was tragically killed in a car accident in Worthington, Minnesota on May 13. This is easily the hardest thing that we have have ever gone through, especially for Charlotte, as you can imagine. However, despite the tragedy and loss we have experienced, God has shown himself to be good once again.

On the way to Worthington three weeks ago after we received the news, I was really struggling with a little anger towards God. It seems like Charlotte's family, especially her mom, has been through slam after slam after slam... from the loss of Charlotte's sister Roxy to Charlotte's mother having a kidney transplant, and now this. And I just kept thinking, "Why does God keep allowing these things to happen?" I started to express some of that anger to Charlotte and she, in the midst of her shock and overwhelming grief, set me straight and reminded me that "this isn't his fault". God is good... even in the middle of the worst circumstances imaginable, God is good.

He has shown his goodness in so many ways...

By providing comfort through friends and family members
By making it clear to us that Charlotte's dad is finally free and healed forever
By showing us the impact that her dad had on so many people
By providing our friends from Valleybrook who stood with us through all this
By providing employers who were sensitive and kind throughout
By helping us actually engage with our emotions and guiding us through them

He is so good. He just keeps on showing us how good he is and, in phraseology you would hear at our church, in the midst of "less and worse" circumstances, he provides "more and better life".

Wow

2008-03-28T21:46:00.002-05:00

I wonder how to put into words what God is doing without sounding cliche. I am overwhelmed at where I am right now in life. And I know it is only because God has blessed me. I am finally learning what it means to be loved by God. Not just in a Sunday School answer sort of way. But finally knowing with my whole being that he loves me passionately. And I have done NOTHING to earn that! When I sat still and stopped trying to earn his love and stopped rejecting all the ways he was showing me he loved me, then he showered me with it. And all I had to do was take it in. As I am learning how much God loves me, the Holy Spirit is enabling me to see how much he loves those around me. That's pretty cool!

Insecurity

2008-01-15T12:55:00.001-06:00

Well, it sure has been an interesting few days. Last Friday, I went to a local coffee shop before work. I do that quite a bit on Fridays. I like to get a scone, a cup of coffee and just sit and read, listen to music, think, journal sometimes, etc. Last Friday, when I arrived at the shop, a couple of friends of mine from our church were there, so I sat with them for a bit.

After speaking with them, I went to my own table and started to rehash the conversation. There was a particular point that I was going over again and again in my head. Something I said I think... Anyway, it was one of those deals in which I was thinking about how stupid something I said must have sounded, one of those insecure moments. So, I began to write about it. No sooner did I get a couple of sentences down did a good friend from our previous church show up at my table. So, that strain of thought was interrupted.

Later that morning, I had a meeting with a couple of my supervisors at work. I work at a company called GSI Commerce. We facilitate online sales for retailers like Toys “R” Us, Major League Baseball, the NFL, Petsmart and others. I have been working on the Customer Resolution Team, handling corporate issues for Toys “R” Us for a couple of months. Well, when I met with my supervisors, they informed me that the Toys “R” Us corporate folks wanted me off of the team. They assured me that my job was secure with GSI and that I was well-respected and loved within the company, but the corporate folks at TRU wanted me out. They told me that I was a little too honest with customers about company issues and non-customer friendly policies. One of my supervisors went out of his way to say that the problem was TRU's, not mine... that I was doing what was right.

It was more than ironic that this happened on the same day that I was struggling with insecurity. In a strange way, however, it only made me more secure in who God has made me to be. He has made me to walk in the truth and set aside B.S. He has made me to care about people and doing what's right for them (even in the realm of customer service).

Don't get me wrong, this has hurt me. In fact, this is the second time in the recent past that I have been rejected for being who I am and living out my God-created identity. It happened at Cornerstone Christian Church and it happened again with TRU. And, it has drawn tears. It's funny, when I left Cornerstone, I don't believe I ever cried from my own personal pain. I cried for the reality of that church, for the lack of honesty there among the leadership, for the people there who are being held back from more and better life because of the circumstances there. But, I don't think I ever shed a tear for my own personal pain. But, yesterday, I cried a lot. It hurts to be rejected for living out who you are.

That being said, God is using these circumstances to affirm more and more who he has created me to be. He has made me to care for people, to protect them from lies, to show them more and better life, to rescue people in darkness, to speak the truth in love and power. And, when I live that out (which I am only learning to do), there is no room for insecurity. I can walk in confidence, trusting God to not only take care of me but use me to touch others and help them figure out who God has made them to be.
Ed

Evil

2008-01-05T11:57:00.000-06:00

Project 86 has a song on their “Rival Factions” album called “Evil”. The lyrics of the song say, “Deep in the recess of every man is a thief, a robber, a criminal.” I can relate to those words. Every time I turn around, I see, welling up from within the recess of THIS man, thievery, robbery, crime. I see deep dark ugliness. Its not that its always the same ugliness. The Spirit keeps pushing and tugging and pressing... especially pressing, and when I take a peek at what he's pressing, I see ugly sh-- spitting out from under his hand. Sh-- that I either never knew was there or sh-- that I have tried to ignore. The obvious reality is that I am full of sh--. To my friends, my family, my wife, God... this is no surprise. Acquaintances can be BS'ed easily enough. Those who know me, really know me, know this about me. I hate that, seemingly every day, more of this crap shows itself. It is a constant reminder of those lyrics. I hate that I'm so effing messed up... but at least I know that it's God that is showing this to me and he's still working.
Ed

Peace

2007-12-21T17:23:00.000-06:00

One of the anchor words we talked about at Weight Watchers yesterday was peace. And the definition given was "freedom from war." Real peace is a new thing for us these days. While we have experienced times of contentment, the peace we have now is different.

I think it's because once we started to live out our God-Created identities, we had peace. I am not trying to be someone else. I am not trying to impress or please anyone. I am secure and confident. Most of all, I'm not trying so hard anymore. The tape player in my head for so long was "you should have" or "If you had done this....than this would/would not have happened." And the other biggie "that person doesn't really like you." What freedom is it to experience victory over those things! There are many deep layers to this and I don't live out my GCI perfectly everyday. But I know what my GCI is and I know what center is and when I screw up, it's much easier to see now. That is peace. Freedom from the war between who God made me to be and who I manufactured myself to try be!

The Office

2007-11-30T23:40:00.000-06:00

In 2007 we have discovered the hit TV show "The Office" (the American version). We have found that either people love it or they think it's the dumbest show ever. We happen to fall into the former category. I think it is incredibly smart. But you really have to pay attention to catch all the subtleties. Often time the things said in passing are the funniest or the wry smile Angela gives when she walks away from Dwight or of course Jim's looks to the camera.

So, as we laid in bed the other night we started laughing about some of the funny things from The Office. I asked Ed what his top 3 favorite Office moments were. Interestingly our favorite moments were not necessarily the funniest, but the most poignant ones dealing with relationships. Some of those we mentioned were, in no particular order:
1. Casino Night, with the obvious being Jim's vulnerability. It was heart wrenching and many could probably relate to those feelings.
2. When Michael went to Pam's art show.
3. When Jan went to find Michael on the train and kept him from becoming a hobo.
4. When Pam and Jim spent the night at the Schrute Beet Farm.

And then some of the funny moments:
1. "I hate so much about the way you choose to be." (not exact quotations, but close)
2. "How many Stanley nickels equal a Schrute buck."
3. "Ryan started the fire."
4. "I'd like to thank God for giving me this Dundy"

For those of you not yet familiar with The Office, go out to Family Video and rent all 3 seasons (the first season is only 5 episodes). If you like the subtle humor of "O Brother Where Art Thou" and "Oceans 11" you'll love The Office.

What this blog is about...

2007-11-22T21:26:00.000-06:00

So, this is pretty much about anything and everything. Charlotte and I have so many things going on in our lives that we want to share with... whoever. Besides that, I've thought for a while now that it would be fun to have a forum to write about whatever I'd like to write about from spirituality to politics to pro wrestling to football... whatever. So, I guess that's what this blog is about... whoever reading whatever we write here. We make no guarantees that what is written here will be worth your time to read. There are no warranties or money back guarantees. Anything written here is up for discussion, although alternate opinions expressed here about the vitally important subjects of wrestling and football will most likely be disregarded. So, I hope that what you read and see here will either make you laugh or make you think or even just help to pass time. Blessings!